do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
