I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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