You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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