life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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