i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
