my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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