I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
