I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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