She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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