i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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