you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
