i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
