Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
