isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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