I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
