Just took my morning after pill in the library
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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