at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
