I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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