i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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