i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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