I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
