if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
