I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize