Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
