I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
