A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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