There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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