Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
