Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
