also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
