i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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