1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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