He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I touched a dick in church today
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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