we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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