I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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