you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
