just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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