I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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