Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
