I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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