somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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