Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
