I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
