I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
