Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
