Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
