he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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