My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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