Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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