i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize