R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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