Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
