Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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