last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
