Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
