the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize