Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
